FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
