My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
