I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
