so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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