Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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