I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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