I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
