I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
