i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
