The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Come on in and take your pants off
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
