Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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