walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
