just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
