is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
