I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
