Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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