we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
