I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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