Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
