I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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