The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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