I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
