I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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