So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think my vagina is haunted
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
