The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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