I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
