I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
