i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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