Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
