Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just had sex on a roof
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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