I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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