I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Semen is not good for contacts.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
