It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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