I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
