My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
