So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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