all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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