i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
