hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
