Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
