I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
