Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
