They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
