Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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