Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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