I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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