A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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