Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
They took my balls.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
