Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
