I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
