You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
