dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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