She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
