i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
